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Selfling Stories: Corey Deacon, Hurting to Healer

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I began attending the BFF meets here in Calgary more for myself and my own healing journey than for Selfling or anything like that. The Breaking Free Foundation began hosting these events as a way for everyone to sit down and talk their traumas out, one story at a time, and there has been quite a strong bond building.It’s an interesting environment. One that is totally free of judgment or recrimination. Like, for real. Try to imagine being in a room that is completely free of static electricity, that crisp and clean feeling in the air. That’s what it’s like being at a BFF meetup.

It’s an interesting environment. One that is totally free of judgment or recrimination. Like, for real. Try to imagine being in a room that is completely free of static electricity, that crisp and clean feeling in the air. That’s what it’s like being at a BFF meetup. I went to my first meetup and started to feel rather embarrassed because I was carrying around the trauma I dealt with years ago when I was being bullied, and here I was in a room full of people discussing “real trauma”. It was nice being reassured by survivors of trauma that my experience does not get to be evaluated by others. So I shouldn’t be doing that to myself, either.

The Mechanics of Trauma

At one of our meets, this energetic fellow by the name of Corey Deacon showed up and spoke to us at length about how our brains react to trauma and how a practice he has started performing – called neurofeedback – can identify where in the brain these reactions are taking place in an attempt to begin an effective treatment.

Mr. Deacon, the founder of Neurvana Health in Calgary, lit the room up nicely, I thought, because he was helping paint a picture of trauma as this thing that is finite and mechanical. Like something that might happen to your car or an appliance. Something diagnostic which anyone could manage.

Now, to be clear, we aren’t saying that trauma is exactly that, but it is helpful to think of a challenge as something you can get in front of, rather than as something that controls and reprograms you.

I spoke with Corey a couple times about the work he does and how it has helped people. He even spoke about his experience as a teen as well and that got him into our next Selfling Story.

I felt that adding Corey’s story to the Selfling Stories was important because it helps people understand what else is happening inside us after having experienced trauma and we felt this to be important information to have for young people who may be dealing with it.

Help Is Available

Neurvana Health has struck a partnership with the Breaking Free Foundation to help deal with some of the costs of neurofeedback and we would like to point you to that opportunity here. How this works is anyone who has experienced trauma and suffering the effects of trauma should get in touch with the Breaking Free Foundation and Neurvana Health in order to take advantage of some of the cost savings. we have those links below.

There is a small correction in the video you are about to watch as there is no more BFF GRANT link on the Neurvana Health website. What we are doing is leaving links below for contacting both the Breaking Free Foundation and Neurvana Health.

If you fit the criteria of someone who is trying to unlock problems with past trauma, we strongly encourage you to reach out to either organization to have them help you make the next step on your journey.

Contact Neurvana Health
Contact BFF

Selfling Stories: Corey Deacon, Hurting to Healer

Selfling Stories: Brittany Schmidt – Getting Ahead of Childhood Sexual Abuse

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When I created the Selfling Teen Support Foundation, one of the things that motivated me was my past trauma. I somehow knew that a young person wouldn’t trust me if I didn’t somehow “walk the walk” and I believed – at least a little bit – that I had, but I also knew that my stories of outrunning vicious beatings from bullies was only going to resonate with some kids who’d been bullied. That might not work for teens who had been through different challenges.

We needed to start talking to others who had the strength to share their stories so that maybe we could reach out to more teens because without that connection, so many teens live with really heavy challenges on their own.

Brittany and Justin Schmidt are a young Calgary couple with such a story. I met Brittany and her hubby, Justin at a meet-up for sufferers of trauma held by the Breaking Free Foundation. We were all held fast as Brittany told her story and Justin sat by her, clearly her trusted protector and her rock.

Brittany and Justin agreed to join me to talk about her experience and everything that came after that. This was to be my first interview so I really didn’t know a lot about how to start. I knew that I had to listen and I was very thankful that Brittany and Justin were willing to share. Especially if that meant helping other teens who may be dealing with the same situation.

There is a trigger warning for mentions of sexual assault in this interview, but there is a lot of talk of support and strength as well. We hope that Britany and Justin’s story resonates with you and, if it gives you the strength to reach out, please let us help.

Given the story she told me, it is promising that Brittany can be as upbeat and positive as she is. On Facebook, Brittany posts selfies usually accompanied by her favourite song lyrics. She is also a big fan of Snapchat filters, loving those that give her animal ears, noses, and big eyes. Like many of us, Brittany holds onto the kid inside. Like some of us, she didn’t really enjoy childhood the first time it came around.

“I am always really worried that I am being too needy,” Brittany says when I ask her what some of her challenges are today. “but I really really need affection and a lot of love. It’s also really hard because people who don’t know what it’s like sometimes say things like ‘Oh, but that was so long ago.’”

I ask Justin what he does to support Brittany the most. “It’s a lot of discussion. It takes a lot of talking and listening to the point that it’s muscle memory because the healing is ongoing.”

JH: Brittany, do you mind talking about some of the things that happened?

Brittany: I was physically and sexually abused by my older half brothers from when I was 11-years-old to when I was 19. That’s when I ran away. Before that, when I was 5, my dad committed suicide. He was schizophrenic.

My oldest brother was the main abuser, he kind of made our other brother follow along. I don’t know why he did it, he abused my sister too but he really seemed to take it out on me most. He said once that I reminded him of my dad and he hated that. I don’t know if that’s because my dad abused him or what. It was like I was a piece of his property.

My brother controlled everything I did. I was almost home-schooled. Everything I got was taken by him. I once one a cash prize at my graduation which he took for beer for him and my other brother.

I started to think that this was how a sister was supposed to be treated. Like maybe he was doing this to prepare me for having a boyfriend or something.

I also dealt with bullying in school for things like my speech. It got so bad that I did attempt suicide myself with pills.

JH: Thank you for talking about this, Brittany. This takes a lot of courage to talk about this. Did you ever seek out help for this situation?

Brittany: I talked to a guidance counsellor at school. At first she said I was very brave for coming to her but later she told me that she called my house, told my mom, and told me that “We all agree” that I’m doing this because I am getting bad grades. I couldn’t believe it! I mean, didn’t they think maybe I was getting 40s and stuff because I wasn’t getting any sleep?

JH: How did your mom handle these accusations?

Brittany: She took my sister and I out for a walk and told us that she thought we were just seeking attention and we didn’t care if it hurt the boys. She said we were making her choose a side. She also never wanted to hear about any of our problems. If we tried to talk to her she’d put on the waterworks and tell us about how we weren’t respecting her problems.

It’s really hard. I asked her once recently if she still didn’t believe me and she couldn’t answer. I try really hard to still talk to my mom because she’s the only parent I have left but I can only be so close because I still feel a lot of resentment.

JH: What about your sister? How are things with her?

Brittany: I try really hard to look out for her. I feel like it’s up to me to protect her because of what happened. It isn’t so bad now because she has a boyfriend but I still think I have to go back to Saskatoon sometimes to check in. I’m very protective of her.

JH: So what happened next? How did this all end?

Brittany: I still lived at home and snuck out when I was grounded. Everyone had gone out that day, and I knew that, because I was always grounded and caged in, that I had sneak out if I wanted to meet up with my friend. There she had made me a dating website. And I had begun to hangout with Justin. I remember being ridiculed about how I couldn’t go out with him; my brothers would tease me about my body saying Justin would leave me because Justin sees smarter girls at the University with bigger breasts, girls that put out. After hanging out with Justin for weeks, and because they knew there was a chance I wouldn’t come back, I poured my secret out to Justin at a special event he invited me to. He told me I shouldn’t go back and that he would protect me so I never went back and lived with Justin for a bit and me and my sister got our own place. Before moving to Calgary and getting married. 

The thing that made me want to not go back home was my older brother saying that if I went out I had to have sex with him and lose my virginity. I knew that my sister had and I didn’t want to think about my first time being with my brother. Having shame from that, I hoped when I told my story to Justin that night that he would never let me go back. I wanted to be saved and I knew this was my way out.

I needed to find my voice and this was the day I found my voice.

JH: This is such a heavy heavy story Brittany. I’m so sorry this happened. I am really glad to hear that you and your sister managed to escape. Are going well today?

Brittany: They are. It feels really good to have a person to rely on. Someone I can trust and who is supportive. I’m a temp and sometimes work is hard to find so it’s good that Justin understands that and we’re secure with his job.

I have issues believing in myself still. A girl stayed with us for awhile and she was very needy but she also would attack me about not being “humble”. A lot of people like to tell you that you aren’t grateful because you’re alive and you don’t have a disease. So I begin to feel bad because I let my experience affect me.

JH: You are pretty active on social media, particularly Facebook, what does that do for you? Are you facing any issues there?

Brittany: I think social media has been really helpful. That’s how I found out about the Breaking Free meets and it’s how I can express myself and get a little more of that acceptance that I need. Some people tell me that I need to stop and get over it but there are a lot of people that will just like my posts or tell me I’m courageous. Just leave a nice reply and that’s something I need sometimes. Pinterest is really good too. “Courageous” is a big word for me and on Pinterest you can search a word like that and see what comes back. It really feels good. I think maybe some of my posts can help someone else too.

Justin: I think social media is really good for that. You can reach out and connect with people, with help, immediately. It isn’t as hard as it was in the past.

JH: So it’s pretty clear there wasn’t near enough support back then. How could this turned out differently? What would you have needed?

Brittany: We were always taught to suck it up. Keep our problems to ourselves. Having support from my family would have helped. Having a guidance counsellor that did her job rather than report to my mom and call me a liar. You need to have someone who you can talk to. Sometimes it isn’t your family. Sometimes it’s a friend.

Having support groups in schools would have been very helpful. Even for bullying. Justing dealt with bullying too and something like that might have helped stop it.

Talking more in school – to smaller kids – about what is good touching and what is bad touching would have helped a kid like me say something sooner. To help a kid understand that, just because it’s a family member doesn’t mean he or she should touch you. Especially down there.

I never had anyone to tell me this was wrong. I had my brothers telling me that I was asking to be molested. No one told me I didn’t deserve this.

Justin: We need to change our values, to teach teens that it is okay to talk and that there are people to talk to. I also grew up in a home where we were taught never to talk about our feelings or to even say anything is wrong.

JH: For young people dealing with traumas like this now, what would you say to them?

Counselling has really helped me. So has having someone who loves me and that I can fall back on. I started to learn that I am worthy and deserving of love and affection. That support is out there. If you can’t find it at school, keep looking. We need to learn to think for ourselves and think about ourselves. Learn to speak up and speak for yourself.

We talk more now so I think it’s easier to find someone who will listen and support you and when you find those people, make sure you show you appreciate them the best that you can. Hold on to them.

Find things that bring you joy and things that empower you. I like music and my favourite word is “courageous”. Find your words, learn what makes you stronger.

5 Things You Shouldn’t Say to A Survivor of Abuse

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teenscrisisEvery last one of us, at one point or another, has probably faced a situation that is immensely difficult to process. Some of us might have lost a parent or a sibling. Some of us may have had to fight through addiction. Some of us fight through mental health issues. Some of us are survivors of trauma or abuse.

Whatever the circumstance, so many – too many – have deal with their suffering alone and, more often than not, it does not end well. Bottling up the wounds of trauma, abuse, or assault has caused every conceivable personal tragedy from further addictions, transformation into an abuser, self-harm, crime, and suicide.

Some people, however, be it through courage or just because it’s too unbearable to face the situation alone take the chance of telling someone about it.

THIS IS HUGE!

Whether you are the person telling the story or doing the listening, neither side should be taken lightly. Telling someone a difficult story about something that has happened to you takes an immense amount of courage and faith in that other person.

Being the listener can also take a lot of patience and self confidence as well. Having been told this story, your next actions can be either empowering or crippling and it isn’t always clear which response will do what. So this week is a big week for sexual assault awareness. The Alberta Association of Sexual Assault Services has launched Phase 2 of their #IBelieveYou campaign (read more). To help spread the awareness, we made a list of some things to consider when you find yourself in the position of the listener. Or the “disclosee”.

Ultimately, this is a list of things NOT to say when someone close to you discloses trauma to you but it is also a theory on how to become more supportive and compassionate.

First Thing’s First: You Cannot Fix This

We don’t want to pull the wind out of your sails but you cannot fix it. The thing happened to your friend or your sibling – or even one of your parents – and you can bet that person processes things differently than you do. The best you can hope to do is be the person to lean on and depend on as your friend starts her path on the road to healing.

  1. He’s Gonna Pay for This
    Part of accepting that you can’t fix your friend’s problem is also accepting – in the event your friend has suffered an abuse or assault by another person – that you cannot enact vengeance upon the person who caused the suffering. Historically, this can be very difficult for some boys and men. We want to save the day, and that itself is honourable, but in practice it is often counterproductive and in many cases dangerous. If your friend has suffered from abuse or assault, the first best thing you can do is listen. Your friend might not want to even press charges right away. To make matters worse, after charges are laid, what if there isn’t a conviction? What if something happens to you?No, the best place you can be for your survivor friend is right beside him or her.
  2. I Totally Know How You FeelSorry.You don’t.

    Even if you have experienced the same kind of trauma or have had the same diagnosis. You can’t understand how a person feels about something he’s experienced anymore than someone else can understand how you would feel about your experiences. Even then, you probably don’t process things the same as your friend does.

    This isn’t really something you are doing wrong, though. We often say “I understand,” to tell someone that we have processed the words he’s said but in this case, it can sound like it’s diminishing the experience and that can prolong the trauma. It’s tricky to get out of the habit but it’s more important to let your friend know that he’s been heard and believed than it is to tell him that you know how he feels.

  3. That Happened A Long Time AgoEspecially with survivors of abuse, the effects of a trauma can linger for years. We don’t get to decide how long it takes someone else to recover from a traumatic event. We often don’t get to decide how long WE will take to recover from a traumatic event. To further confuse things, your friend may have just realized that she is in fact traumatized. Sometimes, a sufferer of child abuse may not realize the full effect of the abuse until years later and many survivors won’t talk because so much time has passed and we are often expected not to let something hurt us for so long. Well, social obligations be damned, we just don’t get over things at the snap of a finger and we cannot recover unless we have properly processed what happened and have accepted that what happened was not our fault.As a listener, you have the power to empower your friend or loved one when she discloses a past trauma to you. Time does not, as the old saying goes, heal all wounds. Processing those wounds heals them. That can only happen in healthy environments geared towards that healing.
  4. What Did You Expect?This is probably the single worst thing you can say to a sufferer of trauma. In this day and age, blame always needs to be assigned in a traumatic event and we appear polarized as a culture over who takes that blame. This goes absolutely nowhere and, in the event a person is disclosing a trauma to you, the worst thing you can do is try to quantify that experience and explain to that person what he or she could have done differently in order to have avoided the trauma. That’s called “victim blaming”, plain and simple, and it is the last thing a trauma survivor needs hear. In fact, even heaping blame on the perpetrator skirts around the issue at hand: your friend is suffering and needs help. You can reassure your friend without blaming the perpetrator.Never, ever insinuate that something terrible happening to someone was that person’s fault. Especially in the event they have been abused or assaulted.
  5. It Will PassLast on our list, let’s not tell our survivor friend that the pain will go away. Unless you are clairvoyant you cannot make that assumption and even if you were, saying that the pain will pass gives your friend a clear indication of what her trauma means to you. Even if you didn’t intend on having that effect. Alternatively, what you CAN say about the passing of time is that you – the person trusted with this hard news – will be there to support your friend as she takes the first step towards recovery.

What Can I Do!?

It sometimes seems so strange but there is immense, untold power in the act of listening. It is could be considered a lost art in this age of responding before completely receiving. In fact, it may not even be the listening you do that begins the healing but your presence that counts. Your friend may only need to hear herself say the words out loud… it was having someone present that she trusts to give her the confidence to say what’s wrong.

After it’s out, after the disclosure, then it is real. Your next step is to validate and acknowledge what your friend has told you. Thank her for telling you and tell her that you are very proud of her for showing so much courage. Tell her you don’t know how she feels but you will listen and you will be there for her…

ONLY IF YOU CAN!

This is very important. You want to help your friend out but you will not be doing her any good if you say you will be there for her to call on when you can’t. Be honest. Let her know what to expect of you and how much she can lean on you. You don’t need your phone on 24 hours a day to be there for a friend, just ensure you are there when you say you will be.

Things You Can Say

We’ll close this off by giving you a small list of things that you can say. If ever you have disclosed something dark to someone else, you will know that some of these phrases have immense power.

Secondly, it’s a shorter list, which is good because you won’t be doing all the talking anyway.

List of Things that You CAN Say After a Friend Discloses

    • I am so sorry that this happened to you.
    • This was not your fault, you did not deserve this.
    • Thank you for telling me.
    • If you need to talk, you can call me.
    • How can I help?